The Treatment
I am not a doctor, and I do not play one on this blog. I am, however, the first to define Teenage Dementia and, therefore, feel that I am the only expert in the world. (Now that I have gotten that out of the way, lets have some fun.**)
Here are my suggestions for treating this insidious disease. Help stamp out TD!
Stick your nose into their personal lives Demand to know to whom they are talking and where they are going. Demand to meet their friends. Follow up. Call their friends parents and make sure that they are telling the truth. Let them know that as long as you are paying the bills and that they are living under your roof, you will shamelessly monitor their behavior. (In some places you actually are legally responsible for their actions.)
Give them defined chores around the house, and insist that these are done on a regular basis. No excuses. No reward. This can be as simple a job as cleaning a room to something as complicated as building an airplane in the garage. Multiple tasks are also acceptable. I will leave the chore up to you, but accept no excuses. Do not them ‘forget’ or ‘get too busy’, these chores come before social or school activities.
Sit your teen down RIGHT NOW and tell them that you will search their room if you feel that they are lying to you. Privacy must be earned, as should trust. On the other hand, do not do this thing until you have reasonable cause to suspect that something is in fact going on. If you find evidence, then it is time to put the hammer down.
Make them responsible for their own actions. Accept no excuses. Their friends did NOT make them do anything. They chose to do that thing, for whatever reason. If you can actually teach your teen to accept responsibility, then you will probably have a teen that is easy to have in the house and a pleasure to live with.
Do not make excuses for your teen. If they are accused of doing something wrong at school, it is their responsibility to disprove the charges or pay the penalty. If you intercede, you will probably make a damn fool of yourself.
Be prepared to remove privileges. Like privacy, TV, sleeping in a bed, or talking to friends on the phones that YOU pay for. Sometimes teens can be a little thick and you have to do something drastic to get their attention.
Be creative. Every time your teen pushes your buttons, push back, only harder. Think carefully about what you should do and seek advice. Then execute. Do not react, respond. (I have been known to remove doors to bedrooms and purposely walk in on the teen in the bathroom while I held a camera. Embarrassment is a powerful tool. Use it.)
Pictures of your teen when it was in diapers (Or even better, without diapers) are invaluable in keeping a teen under control. Blackmail is acceptable. BE CAREFUL; some would see this as child porn. Put a sign on each pic; ‘Not for erotic use.’
Take pictures of ridiculous clothing. Tell your teen that you are going to send the pictures to the fashion police. Show everyone you know. Post pictures on the Internet, with captions like, “You gotta have big balls to need pants like this,” or, “This is where he hides his girlfriend.”
Dress like your teen. Teens hate this and will immediately change style. They seem to think that certain things are ‘for teens only’.
Limit bathing. Every teen has a cleanliness fetish. Issue your teen a bathing pass, and limit it to every other day. If you have a teen that has no cleanliness issue, hose him/her down in the backyard when they get too ripe. Use laundry detergent.
Record all phone calls and run capture files on all computer communications. Monitor both. When you get in a bad mood, fisk them. This can be loads of fun and really pisses off a teen.
Know where your teen is going on a date, and then show up unannounced. This can be fun and instructional at the same time.
When the teen says, “But you are embarrassing me,” respond with something like, “Yes I am, and until I know you are acting responsibly, I will continue to do so.”
Talk about them in the third person when they are in the room. If they do not treat you with respect, then do not show them respect. If they act like children, then treat them like children.
If your teen runs away from home, let them. Let them take only the cloths on their back. Call all of their friend’s houses and tell the parents that your teen is a runaway and that if they take your child in they are in violation of the law. Tell them this as matter of fact as possible. Ask them to call you if they see your child and to send the child home. If the teen has no one to sponge off of, chances are they will have no other place to live. If they have no place to live, they will want to come home. Hunger and cold are a great educator.
If you have a particularly rebellious teen, you should be emotionally prepared to see this individual in jail, or perhaps you will need to put them in jail. This is part of accepting responsibility for ones own actions
Most important of all; let them grow up. Do not handicap your child’s future by making their life too easy. They will fall down. Let them. They will cry, whine, and get their feelings hurt. You did and you are still alive. They will be broke. Do not give them money. If you loan them money, charge interest. Their hearts will get broken. They will mend with time. Yours did. You cannot take all the hurt and emotional heartache away from growing up. If you try, you will just end up with a large child, dependant on you and always needing more.
Last but not least;
Love them as though they are your children, they probably are. Being a parent does not mean that you have to be a total asshole, but it certainly does not mean that you should be your teens friend. (I never did get the idea of being a kid’s friend automatically because you brought it into this world. My other friends have had to earn being my friend, so should my kids.)
Have fun, laugh as much as possible, and don’t let them get to you. It is only a few more years and they will be able to move out. Then you will begin to miss them.
** Obviously this should not be taken too seriously. Over the years and living with four teens has taught me that there is no formula that will make things work. There is no manual that comes with kids, and if there were, it would be wrong. Each child is different, as each adult is different.
If I have a point here, I think that it is that a parent should be a parent first and a friend much later. I can say from experience that being a parent in any form (Step) is a hard job, but if you can‘t teach responsibility, then you have failed. The school cannot teach it, the church no longer teaches it. That leaves you.
Good luck
Here are my suggestions for treating this insidious disease. Help stamp out TD!
Stick your nose into their personal lives Demand to know to whom they are talking and where they are going. Demand to meet their friends. Follow up. Call their friends parents and make sure that they are telling the truth. Let them know that as long as you are paying the bills and that they are living under your roof, you will shamelessly monitor their behavior. (In some places you actually are legally responsible for their actions.)
Give them defined chores around the house, and insist that these are done on a regular basis. No excuses. No reward. This can be as simple a job as cleaning a room to something as complicated as building an airplane in the garage. Multiple tasks are also acceptable. I will leave the chore up to you, but accept no excuses. Do not them ‘forget’ or ‘get too busy’, these chores come before social or school activities.
Sit your teen down RIGHT NOW and tell them that you will search their room if you feel that they are lying to you. Privacy must be earned, as should trust. On the other hand, do not do this thing until you have reasonable cause to suspect that something is in fact going on. If you find evidence, then it is time to put the hammer down.
Make them responsible for their own actions. Accept no excuses. Their friends did NOT make them do anything. They chose to do that thing, for whatever reason. If you can actually teach your teen to accept responsibility, then you will probably have a teen that is easy to have in the house and a pleasure to live with.
Do not make excuses for your teen. If they are accused of doing something wrong at school, it is their responsibility to disprove the charges or pay the penalty. If you intercede, you will probably make a damn fool of yourself.
Be prepared to remove privileges. Like privacy, TV, sleeping in a bed, or talking to friends on the phones that YOU pay for. Sometimes teens can be a little thick and you have to do something drastic to get their attention.
Be creative. Every time your teen pushes your buttons, push back, only harder. Think carefully about what you should do and seek advice. Then execute. Do not react, respond. (I have been known to remove doors to bedrooms and purposely walk in on the teen in the bathroom while I held a camera. Embarrassment is a powerful tool. Use it.)
Pictures of your teen when it was in diapers (Or even better, without diapers) are invaluable in keeping a teen under control. Blackmail is acceptable. BE CAREFUL; some would see this as child porn. Put a sign on each pic; ‘Not for erotic use.’
Take pictures of ridiculous clothing. Tell your teen that you are going to send the pictures to the fashion police. Show everyone you know. Post pictures on the Internet, with captions like, “You gotta have big balls to need pants like this,” or, “This is where he hides his girlfriend.”
Dress like your teen. Teens hate this and will immediately change style. They seem to think that certain things are ‘for teens only’.
Limit bathing. Every teen has a cleanliness fetish. Issue your teen a bathing pass, and limit it to every other day. If you have a teen that has no cleanliness issue, hose him/her down in the backyard when they get too ripe. Use laundry detergent.
Record all phone calls and run capture files on all computer communications. Monitor both. When you get in a bad mood, fisk them. This can be loads of fun and really pisses off a teen.
Know where your teen is going on a date, and then show up unannounced. This can be fun and instructional at the same time.
When the teen says, “But you are embarrassing me,” respond with something like, “Yes I am, and until I know you are acting responsibly, I will continue to do so.”
Talk about them in the third person when they are in the room. If they do not treat you with respect, then do not show them respect. If they act like children, then treat them like children.
If your teen runs away from home, let them. Let them take only the cloths on their back. Call all of their friend’s houses and tell the parents that your teen is a runaway and that if they take your child in they are in violation of the law. Tell them this as matter of fact as possible. Ask them to call you if they see your child and to send the child home. If the teen has no one to sponge off of, chances are they will have no other place to live. If they have no place to live, they will want to come home. Hunger and cold are a great educator.
If you have a particularly rebellious teen, you should be emotionally prepared to see this individual in jail, or perhaps you will need to put them in jail. This is part of accepting responsibility for ones own actions
Most important of all; let them grow up. Do not handicap your child’s future by making their life too easy. They will fall down. Let them. They will cry, whine, and get their feelings hurt. You did and you are still alive. They will be broke. Do not give them money. If you loan them money, charge interest. Their hearts will get broken. They will mend with time. Yours did. You cannot take all the hurt and emotional heartache away from growing up. If you try, you will just end up with a large child, dependant on you and always needing more.
Last but not least;
Love them as though they are your children, they probably are. Being a parent does not mean that you have to be a total asshole, but it certainly does not mean that you should be your teens friend. (I never did get the idea of being a kid’s friend automatically because you brought it into this world. My other friends have had to earn being my friend, so should my kids.)
Have fun, laugh as much as possible, and don’t let them get to you. It is only a few more years and they will be able to move out. Then you will begin to miss them.
** Obviously this should not be taken too seriously. Over the years and living with four teens has taught me that there is no formula that will make things work. There is no manual that comes with kids, and if there were, it would be wrong. Each child is different, as each adult is different.
If I have a point here, I think that it is that a parent should be a parent first and a friend much later. I can say from experience that being a parent in any form (Step) is a hard job, but if you can‘t teach responsibility, then you have failed. The school cannot teach it, the church no longer teaches it. That leaves you.
Good luck
posted by MizfiTroll at 5:54 AM
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