You deserve a brick today.

I like breakfast. I believe in breakfast. I think that if everyone in the world could get a good hearty breakfast every day, then there would be no world conflict. I believe the concept of ‘Continental Breakfast’ is a joke invented by Europeans to get even with us for things that were done in WWII and explains unstable French politics.

But being a lazy American, sometimes I would prefer to not make my morning breakfast, and instead, buy one on my way to work. This does not leave many options. There are not many places open at 4:30 in the AM.

Last week I gave in to my cravings and stopped at a national fast food franchise for one of their over-advertised morning offerings. This was not a good idea on my part.

After placing my order at the colorful sign telling me that it was helping guarantee accuracy, I drove to the second window. It seems that no one was manning the first window this fine day.

When the window opened in all its automated glory, I was introduced to a breath of warm air from inside the building, contaminated by the stench of unwashed human. The guy that came to the window looked to be a genetic throwback to some earlier time, and smelled like he had never been introduced to warm water and soap. That at least explains why he is working the window and not the front counter.

He took my money and knew all the right things to say, but I was not particularly comfortable looking at him. He had large lips that looked as though some Muppet somewhere was without a mouth, and talked like his tongue was made from silly putty. I wanted that window closed, anyway.

I do not rate an eating establishment by how attractive the servers are, so I got my order and drove away. I started with the potato patty. Not too bad, crunchy on the outside, soft on the inside, taste like a deep fried potato patty. Then I turned it over and saw for the first time the large blemish that reminded me of a birthmark. Not appropriate for breakfast. I never eat anything that looks like a birthmark for breakfast. I do not even want to think of something that looks like a birthmark before two cups of coffee and a sweet roll.

Time to try something different. I take my little breakfast sandwich from its paper wrapping, and it makes it’s first attempt at escape. That damn thing knows how to use the excess grease to its advantage, and seems intent upon obtaining freedom. Fat chance. I am determined to eat this little bugger no matter how hard it tries to escape. I am larger and have experience at wayward food.

My first bite is informative. It is obvious that the excess grease is in fact suntan lotion for eggs as this little gem has been sitting under the sandwich equivalent of a sun lamp for a long time. The pasteurized processed cheese food is now more processed than anything, and has the texture of damp newspaper and tastes almost that good. The texture of the egg makes me think of tofu and pencil erasers, with little bits of latex glove here and there. The sausage patty is tasty, but sun bathing has given it the consistency of the tongue of my left work boot. The enclosing bread product is chewy, as is should be, but hides little mines of dryness, just like when you leave the bread package open partway.

Ordinarily I would turn something this delightful into coyote food, but I knew that it would be all that I got until lunch, and being hungry makes me cranky. I don’t like being cranky. (Much) I shoved this morsel into my ravenous pie hole, half expecting a fuzzy taste to appear but not finding it, discarded the deformed potato patty, and thought to wash it down with the fluid of morning; coffee.

Someone at this particular location had decided on his/her own to add a new ingredient to the coffee. I think it was llama spit, but am not that familiar with the taste of llama spit, but that is what immediately came to mind. Kinda earthy, yet grainy and slightly bile like, like the taste of a burp after eating fast Mexican food while drinking heavily the night before, only with a bitter after taste.

This joins the potato patty as I pull over to get real coffee from my thermos to wash away the foul remains of the llama fluid.

All in all, I would have to give this experience a –4 for value and taste. I believe that I could have had a better experience if I had just dumpster dived my breakfast at the same location, and I would not be out nearly four dollars.

I have eaten at other outlets in this chain before and have never had an experience this bad. (except that one time when I was wearing my ‘if you can read this you should suck my cock’ t-shirt, but that is another story)

Just to keep things in perspective, I went back the following week, just to have even a worse experience. This particular franchise seems to be experiencing difficulties. Please stay tuned for more morning eating experiences.