On the naming of things

I love naming things. I name everything, and the more unusual the name the better. I have never given a child a name like “Moon Unit”, but I have been sorely tempted. I named my bicycle, “Gargravarrr”, and my dog, “Fexophenidine”. People often come to me, asking that I assign a name to their pet, house, or the occasional tree.

Once I was asked to name a friend’s penis. That one I declined. I don’t think it is my place to name someone’s hoo-ha, especially as I really wanted to name it “Twinkie”.

If I thought I could get away with it, I would rename one of my steptrolls something like “Frottageman”, or “Breastbruiser”. That would guarantee that he would remain a virgin forever and that I would not have to deal with more Grandchildren as I grow old and like small children even less that I like boils on my ass. (Funny how as you grow older you get more boils on your ass AND more Grandchildren. I think scientists should look at the possible relationship between the two.)

I give nicknames to people at work. They seem to either really like the names, or more likely, they come to hate me and call ME names when I am out of earshot. I can’t say that I blame some of them. Being called “Tweak” on the construction jobsite can get you in trouble with your boss, or at least a lot of drug tests. The guy that I started calling “Butterbutt” took it kind of personally, but with a permanent case of plumbers crack and creamy yellowish skin, it seemed to fit.

I call my home away from home “The Dog House” and I have given a series of feminine names to all my vehicles. I even named my shoes. “Left” and “Right” don’t seem to mind. (Not very creative, I know. But they are Shoes!! What do you want, “Honored Protector of Feet and Tender Digits”? Sheese!)

But I have never named my computer. I have never even thought of it as having a gender. I talk to it, but never gave it a personality. (Don’t even TRY to tell me that you don’t talk to your computer. I have never known anyone that did not talk to their computer if they actually use one for any length of time. ‘Puters can be notional bastards after all, and frustrating as all hell.)

As I sit here, contemplating what I would name it, some things almost immediately come to mind. It is a Toshiba notebook computer of the series called “Satellite”. It goes most everywhere with me and I tell it everything. The first name that comes to mind is, “Satan”.

I don’t think naming my computer “Satan” would be a good idea. I can see it now, “Wait a minute while I put that into Satan.” Or “Satan is giving me fits today.” Or better yet, “I keep that information in Satan” Everyone would become convinced that I was in league with The Lord of Darkness and plotting something sinister. “Would you help me with my problems with Satan?” would certainly get me in a bathtub of holy water with people dressed in black muttering things while pushing my head under.

“Satan” is officially out.

Something with the letter “S” I think. I like the letter “S”. It is all curvy and wavy at the same time. Writing the letter “S” can be fun.

“Sputnik”? “Spaz”? “Sparky”? “Spatula”? “Sprocket”? “Spastic”?

What do YOU think? Leave a comment. All suggestions welcome.