Pimp the Ride
I believe that all teenagers are ungrateful bastards.
Before you get your panties in a bunch, I am sure that YOUR kid is the exception and that all is sweetness and light at your home. I am speaking generally, and from my personal viewpoint.
I know that I was an ungrateful bastard when I was a teen, and I am basing my generalizations on MY behavior and on my observations of other teens in my acquaintance over the years.
Now, all disclaimers aside, can I get on with making my point?
Where was I?
Oh yeah.
Teenagers are narcissists by nature. They cannot conceive of their own mortality and think that the world revolves around their wants. Give them a car and they replace all rational thought with the need for gasoline, the imagined freedom from parental units, and all responsibility. (That and making it much easier to lie and not get caught.)
So of course the Mrs. wanted to buy a car for the unmatched set of Steptrolls. We chose a 1982 model that will go from 0 to 60 in just under 7 minutes. It is just this side of the grave and a perfect first car for a teenager. I immediately dubbed it R2B2.
The love affair began, and now we hardly ever see a teen when we are awake. R2B2 is gone all the time, and with it are the lost teenagers. They seem to be involved in some kind of symbiotic flesh/steel relationship that cannot be understood by mere parenting mortals.
But I have decided to rise above my usual Troll-like behavior and do something completely different. I am going to fix up R2B2 like on that TV show “Pimp My Ride”, only I am going to do it to MY specifications.
I am thinking a two-tone paint scheme; hot pink and glow-in-the-dark green would be impressive. The wheels will be black and white in that old spiral put-you-in-a-hypnotic-trance pattern. I think that the seats should be done in cheep black vinyl to take advantage of our hot summer sun.
I think a large black box labeled “GPS location system” would go a long way to keep ‘em a bit more truthful about where they have been. I also think a anti-theft system that activates when the car has been off for more than 10 minutes and detects motion INSIDE the car would be a good thing. ‘Specially when I make it flash lights and alarms on the inside instead of outside.
I think the stereo should default to talk radio whenever the car is turned on, and have to be manually changed. I also think the radio should have an annoying high pitched whine built in that only young ears can perceive.
Dingle balls are always a fashion statement in any car, and long green shag carpeting would demonstrate to all just how hip the boys really are. One of those funny horns that play “La Cucaracha” would be a great addition.
I will tint the back window, but cut out the words “I am we todd did” in script to that it can only be read from behind the car.
I won’t do anything at all to the engine or drive train. I like those parts fine just the way they are. (Old, worn out, and in constant need of repair, just like me.)
The best part of all of this nonsense is that I can tell everyone about my plans and the teens will never know because they do not read this blog.
Boy will they be surprised!
Before you get your panties in a bunch, I am sure that YOUR kid is the exception and that all is sweetness and light at your home. I am speaking generally, and from my personal viewpoint.
I know that I was an ungrateful bastard when I was a teen, and I am basing my generalizations on MY behavior and on my observations of other teens in my acquaintance over the years.
Now, all disclaimers aside, can I get on with making my point?
Where was I?
Oh yeah.
Teenagers are narcissists by nature. They cannot conceive of their own mortality and think that the world revolves around their wants. Give them a car and they replace all rational thought with the need for gasoline, the imagined freedom from parental units, and all responsibility. (That and making it much easier to lie and not get caught.)
So of course the Mrs. wanted to buy a car for the unmatched set of Steptrolls. We chose a 1982 model that will go from 0 to 60 in just under 7 minutes. It is just this side of the grave and a perfect first car for a teenager. I immediately dubbed it R2B2.
The love affair began, and now we hardly ever see a teen when we are awake. R2B2 is gone all the time, and with it are the lost teenagers. They seem to be involved in some kind of symbiotic flesh/steel relationship that cannot be understood by mere parenting mortals.
But I have decided to rise above my usual Troll-like behavior and do something completely different. I am going to fix up R2B2 like on that TV show “Pimp My Ride”, only I am going to do it to MY specifications.
I am thinking a two-tone paint scheme; hot pink and glow-in-the-dark green would be impressive. The wheels will be black and white in that old spiral put-you-in-a-hypnotic-trance pattern. I think that the seats should be done in cheep black vinyl to take advantage of our hot summer sun.
I think a large black box labeled “GPS location system” would go a long way to keep ‘em a bit more truthful about where they have been. I also think a anti-theft system that activates when the car has been off for more than 10 minutes and detects motion INSIDE the car would be a good thing. ‘Specially when I make it flash lights and alarms on the inside instead of outside.
I think the stereo should default to talk radio whenever the car is turned on, and have to be manually changed. I also think the radio should have an annoying high pitched whine built in that only young ears can perceive.
Dingle balls are always a fashion statement in any car, and long green shag carpeting would demonstrate to all just how hip the boys really are. One of those funny horns that play “La Cucaracha” would be a great addition.
I will tint the back window, but cut out the words “I am we todd did” in script to that it can only be read from behind the car.
I won’t do anything at all to the engine or drive train. I like those parts fine just the way they are. (Old, worn out, and in constant need of repair, just like me.)
The best part of all of this nonsense is that I can tell everyone about my plans and the teens will never know because they do not read this blog.
Boy will they be surprised!
posted by MizfiTroll at 4:55 PM
1 Comments:
I want a picture. We must ensure that my self centered teens don't see it though. They might tell the steptrolls. I was thinking of something similar for the eldest Luftette, especially with the college thing coming up. How's blaze orange and running lights?
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