Toilets

I consider the modern toilet to be one of the best inventions of all time. I do. I do. I do.

If you have ever had to use an outhouse in the summer, I am sure you will agree. There is something inherently wrong with the smell of your own waste brewing in the bottom of a pit in the heat. I know this first hand.

But like most technology, we have finally taken things too far:

The water-conserving toilet.

These wonderful devices were invented to make all the conscientious citizens feel better about how humans use water. What a wonderful idea! Use less water! Save resources for humanity to use up later! Be thoughtful! Plan ahead!

It’s too bad they suck.

In the Trollhouse, we have more than one ‘facility’, and one of these is a water-conserving toilet. This bastard is challenged to remove any waste bigger than a pencil eraser. It will take care of fluids in a fine and timely manner, but give it a chunk and it’s stopped flow and plunger time.

Of course it’s in MY bathroom.

So now I have the honor of not only having to WATCH the brownload to make certain that is actually leaving, but I usually have to help it on it’s way! (There are few things worse than coming home after a hard days work to find that the floaters and sinkers failed to leave and have been festering in the bowl into some kind of smelly shitsoup.)

The Wife’s toilet is a real scorcher. That puppy will usually flush twice with one pull of the handle! Sometimes I feel like I should not get to close to that one or I might loose a hand. (Or something else.)

Seriously, I always make sure that I am not on the seat when the handle gets pulled for fear that something additional might join the flow to septic tank heaven. It reminds me of those power toilets that they put in public buildings. You know the ones I mean, the toilets that make that tremendous whooshing and sucking noise that startles the hell out of you when someone else flushes and you feel the air pressure in the room get suddenly lower when it gets to the gurgling part. Now there is a toilet with authority!

My toilet just kinda whimpers and gives a little indifferent glug, and stops working. Then it continues filling to almost overflowing, teasing you with a potential disaster, before it stops just at the top of the bowl.

So I have come up with a plan; while the MrsTroll is away visiting relatives, I am going to switch toilets! No more having to WATCH those things that I am so anxious to send to turd heaven to make sure they begin their trip on time.

I will let you all know how things turn out.