Asspaper

I wonder who invented toilet paper. He (or she) deserves some kind of tribute or statue or holiday. (“Happy Asswipe Day!”)

I see toilet paper as one of the things that separate us from the beasts. (The opposable thumb, laughter, exchanging information, and asspaper.)

You don’t see your pets wiping the clinging shit from their asses, do you? (A dog dragging its butt across the rug does not count. That is just scratching.  A cat licking it’s ass doesn’t count because, well, its just gross.)

I imagine primitive man (somewhere between a chimp and a construction worker) grabbing his first handful of grass to relieved the itching and smell of early clingons, then showing his stoop shouldered friends how much easier hunting could be without the shit smell.

As time passes, so do fads, and we soon evolved to using other forms of vegetable matter to keep our asses clean. Corn cobs (For those of you who are rural illiterate, the cob is the part of corn on the cob that you don’t eat.) were an American favorite, and leaves still make an occasional appearance when camping.

Now some bathrooms have little fountains to help you keep your ass clean and fresh smelling. I have never experienced one of these butthole delights, but I think I would probably like it. (“May I borrow your bidet?”)

I am glad to live in an age of clean asses. Next I hope we can house break construction workers.