CET

I am beginning, once again, my Campaign for the Extinction of all Gnomes.

Every fall I find their pointy headed misadventures particularly annoying and begin removing some of them from the gene pool. Let us just say that I am thankful that I am not a Gnome.

My latest gambit is leaving tiny cups of booze in small protected places around the neighborhood. I lace the booze filled cups with Gnome droppings and rat scat. The gnarly pests gobble up the laced bait with smiles on their faces and a song in their heart. They are unaffected by conventional poisons like arsenic, but I have learned that they have little resistance to a more primitive biological approach.

Soon their bellies begin grumbling and their mouths and bowels open up in a flood of regurgitated ethanol and recycled recyclables. I love the sound of Gnomes being violently ill in the morning. Seeing a dehydrated Gnome under a bush makes me smile.

That is possibly the best part, when they are so miserable that they want to die. Then, if we are lucky, they will.

I hear you out there, yelling ineffectually at your computer screen, that I am a racist. I am not. I am a speciesist. I think this species should be extinct like the Dodo and that pigeon that is extinct. (Passenger? Carrier? Messenger? )

“Why do you hate funny little Gnomes, Mr. Troll?” you might ask.

I hate them because they are notorious for rabbit raping and all the fuzzy bunnies in my neighborhood are now very confused about their sexuality. I hate them because they terrorize me and my kin when we just want to be left to do our own thing. I hate them because it is Troll like behavior to hate the Gnomes. I hate them because they are all cute and get better press than Trolls do. I hate them because I need to hate something and feel it is better to hate them than to hate you or cupcakes.

Trolls get terrible press. Most people can’t even tell the difference between a Troll and an Ogre, yet everyone knows what a Gnome looks like.

Even troll dolls are not a good representation of what a Troll looks like. I don’t know any Trolls that have hair in shocking colors that stands up like that. (I do have to admit that whoever did the dolls did capture the essence of a Troll’s belly quite well.)

So please, in your everyday endeavors, help kill a cute little pointy headed Gnome. Poison, traps, shooting, stabbing, stomping, smashing with large, heavy things, or even just slamming them in a door all help the cause.

Do your part. Kill a Gnome today! Do it for your future!

Happy Thanksgiving.