The barrel method

I think that all Teens should be raised by the barrel method.

(The barrel method is where kids are put in a barrel as a tween and fed through the bunghole. When they turn eighteen there is a family meeting about whether they should be set free or if the bung should be permanently placed.)

Remember this, prospective parental units.

Your children WILL grow up.

They will quickly quit being cute beyond belief and become independent and demanding. They will do this before they are two years old. Then it gets interesting.

By the time they get to ‘ungrateful bastard’ it is too late and you will have to live with what you have sown.

Think before you breed.

I think I should become a spokesperson for Planned Parenthood or some other similar organization. I would really like a job where I got to scare the hell out of breeders. That’s the kind of speaking job I could sink my teeth into.

I can see it now, a small herd of smiling young adults, potential parents, all moon eyes and smiles, waiting for insights and wisdom. Instead there is me to scare the hell out of them, talking frankly about the tremendous weight of raising a disabled child or the emotional pain of watching your kid become a drug addict.

I can envision myself telling terrible tales of overburdened mothers, insane after weeks of no sleep from a constantly crying child and no money for medical care, snapping and shaking their child until something inside the helpless child snaps as well, finally silencing the crying and silencing the mother’ future at the same time.

Yep. I could become a demotivational speaker.