Audience

I went to a concert Wednesday night.

You have to understand that I have been a fan of Frank Zappa’s music for over 20 years, and when I learned that his son, Dweezil, is now playing his fathers music, I wanted to go. If nothing else, it would give me yet another excuse to complain about how kidz nowdaze don’t appreciate real music, yadda, yadda ,yadda.

In that respect, I was disappointed. He did a very good job of presenting his father’s work. The music was well performed and obviously well rehearsed. There was a lot of time and thought put into the show. The performance left me with very little to bitch about. That in itself says a lot. We all know how much I like to bitch.

I thought the tickets were a bit pricey, but am still living emotionally in the 70’s when a concert could be seen for ten bucks.

What I can (and will) bitch about is the audience.

People have no fucking respect for the performers or the other audience members.

Standing in front of others who are trying to actually see the show is not acceptable. Those who do should be tossed out on their ear. Getting up every ten minutes and disturbing the rest of the people in your row just because you are bored should be punished by gluing your ass to the seat with superglue.

Bad hygiene in a crowded theater should be punishable with a forced bath given by angry people with scrub brushes and lye soap. I was first introduced to the man sitting to my right by the odor of long unwashed body wafting over me. When he sat down and had a pull from his drink the mouth odor quickly made me long for just body odor.

His mouth smelled like he had eaten a shit sandwich before licking feces from donkey cock in a men’s bath house. He was revolting! To top things off, he was a damn mouth breather. In order to watch the show I had to endure three hours of this mans inability to taste or smell. I would think that if food got near this mans mouth, it would jump off the fork and flee.

The venue was fairly full, leaving me no place to go if I wanted to see the show. I had a great seat, 2/3 back from the stage and center, and was not about to waste a nearly perfect seat because of some one else’s unwillingness to bathe or use mouthwash.

I stuck a lot of gum in my mouth hoping to overshadow the smell. It did help, but not enough.

I hope that somewhere in this person’s hell there is a special room where he is covered in other peoples waste up to the neck and gifted with a super sense of smell.

With my luck he would probably love it.