New Home

This might be my last post.

On Blogger, that is.

The Mrs. has bought us our own domain and I have moved on to newer and cleaner accommodations.

I will now be at http://www.perrocasa.com/blog.

Come over to the new digs and say hello!

Troll for President!

I don’t want to be President.

I think that particular job is more thankless than being a parent, and that is pretty bad.

In my humble opinion, wanting to be the leader of the free world is a stupid thing to want to be. You will be wrong in anything you do, you will be in the public eye doing things that some one will find objectionable no matter what it is, and the whole world will hate you for just being alive.

Just by winning, you will become the very image of evil in the world.

And people actually spend money to get this job? They must be crazy.

But I do have dreams and opinions. Here are some of them;

If I were President I would try to get a law passed that would make part of the punishment for driving drunk being publicly and ceremoniously dipped in the vomit of other drunks three times up to the neck, and then put out in the sun to dry. I think this would do a lot more than slapping someone’s hand and taking away their license. If you take their license, drunks are going to drive anyway. Putting an ignition interlock in the car just assures that drunk drivers are going to have sober passengers.

If I were President, I would initiate a media campaign to promote personal responsibility for one’s actions. I believe this one thing could do more to improve this country than any amount of money put into the education system.

If I were President I would try to grease the wheels to get nuclear power plants back into the system. They are actually rather safe and can make affordable electricity. It also has the PC advantage of not releasing CO2. If we are going to be driving electric cars we need some way to charge them that does not burn coal or food.

If I were President, I would change the way we look at ethanol. Burning food is just a dumb idea, but we might want to look at turning all the stuff that we throw away when we harvest and process food into ethanol. I think it makes more sense to turn the things that we throw away into something that we can burn than wasting corn.

If I were President I would try to treat nuclear waste by mixing it with molten glass and burying it in a big hole in the desert. It would be inert, harmless, and could not deteriorate into the environment. It would decay into something harmless before the glass would.

If I were President I would attempt to reinstate public hanging as the preferred form of capitol punishment. I would also encourage high schools to take classes on field trips to public hangings. Let the little ungrateful bastards watch someone dance on the end of a rope and perhaps they will rethink the concept of shooting random strangers in order to join a gang.

If I were President I would attempt to change the criminal justice system so that it puts offenders in socially uncomfortable environments as opposed to expensive government funded criminal finishing schools. We should chain ‘em to some high rise building to act as the doorman where they depend on tips and good manners in order to eat instead of sending them to a prep school for crime. Put a criminal in a situation where he has to behave in order to eat and he will change his ways of thinking or go without food. I call this a win-win.

If I were President I would try to get society to rethink the prohibitions against cruel and unusual punishment. I think that cruel and unusual punishments are suitable for cruel and unusual deeds. The mother of a prom night dumpster baby needs to learn how cruel her actions were, not just get a slap on the wrist and free therapy for the rest of her life.

If I were President, I would want a nationally instated system requiring anyone that is about to bring a child into this world pass a test measuring their ability to be a responsible parent. Failure of this test means that said child would be unlicensed and therefore unable to get any public assistance, also removing the public assistance of both parental units. The children would, however, be allowed to test into the system after the age of eighteen.

If I were President, I would want the making of frivolous and harassing lawsuits punishable by making the bringer of the suit financially responsible for all costs associated with this waste of time. In the case of prisoners serving time, financial responsibility would equate to additional time on their sentence.

If I were President, I would want to tax convenience. If you have the money to waste at a convenience store, then you deserve to pay a convenience tax to use the services. If you really want that 64 oz. Huge Glurg drink, then you should be prepared to pay just a bit more to do so.

If I were President I would want a system in place to publicly embarrass stupid politicians. Any politician that tried to get a law passed that was remarkably stupid, like making abstinence mandatory for teens, be humiliated in the press and put on a list of persons that show poor judgment.

If I were President I would begin a campaign to get people to stop standing in doorways to chat. To me that is the same thing as stopping in traffic to talk to your friend. There are laws against that.

If I were President I would charge all politicians to do their own taxes without software or outside help of any kind. That one thing would do more toward getting a more equitable tax system than any thing else I can think of.

If I were President I would charge Iraq for security. To hell with this concept of spending our bucks to keep them safe after we did them the favor of ridding them of a Bad Man. We should charge them until they get a government that works, then leave, but charge them for every useful thing that we leave behind. Is that not how capitalism works?

If I were President I would try to pass a law that made all forms of Yellow Journalism illegal.

If I were President I would try to change the welfare system to quit helping people that are capable or qualified for anything. If they had to perform community service in order to get a check I bet that the system would see a change for the better. You can bring the baby with you when it your turn to pick up trash in your neighborhood, don’t ya think?

If I were President I would open up all those areas that are rich in oil to drilling while changing the popular view of alternate energy forms. Frankly, with the price of oil what it is I do not understand why we are shooting ourselves in the foot by not permitting drilling in these areas while other countries do so.

If I were President, I would get more of those giant windmills into the network. Not only do they supply clean energy, but they are pretty to look at.

Well, that’s it for now. I hope I have not damaged your mind in any way that cannot be repaired by thinking about things.

Day of the Living 'Tards

Some days I feel like I am living in an alternate world; a world where the retarded are free to roam the earth and influence the quality of life of those around them.

It started when I asked a man how much fuel was in the forklift and he responded, “Uhhhh, about half a quarter tank.” I think that a carpenter should be better than that with fractions.

Such was my introduction to what I began calling the “Day of The Living Tards”.

When I tried to leave Santa Fe, the main street was closed by animal services for some undisclosed critter crisis and no alternate route was given. I wandered for over 30 minutes to make my escape from this already confusing town. While I was wandering, I learned that the people of Santa Fe love to make right hand turns from the left hand lane. This seems to be some cultural thing that I have never noticed before. I am anxious to not see this again.

The lovely and talented Mrs. Troll wanted me to hang with her for an exciting night of bingo. Seeing as how I am an ungrateful bastard of a forgetful husband, I went and did not complain. (Much) This decision led to even more ‘tard interaction.

We wanted to grab a bite before bingo and I wanted to sit down and escape the steel cage of transportation for a while. We ended up sitting near one of those adult sized ‘tards with slack, vacant faces and the awareness level of a loaf of bread. Her mother was riding herd on her and a post toddler that was OBCESSED with ordering food. Between the two of them, the other customers suffered with false orders from a toddler and stolen meals from the older sibling while the mother unit neglected an infant in a carrier. The vacant one would pick up trays intended for other people and for some reason most people don’t have the stones to tell a ‘tard that they are doing something annoying.

At bingo I realized that even the intellectually challenged can play this game. Many of the bingo calls were people that could not even read the cards that they were dabbing with such intense concentration. This is bingo, not rocket science.

A fashion natural disaster was the norm for this group. I remember one woman that had to be over six feet tall, dressed in high water pajama bottoms, a cast off t-shirt that advertised her pendulous breasts, flip flops and grey socks that were meant to be white.

There was a herd of ungrateful bastards there as well, entertaining me with public displays of affection and yearning for the other guy’s girl. Why do teenage boys want the empty headed girl with large breasts and no personality?

OOPS! Please treat that as a rhetorical question.

What in the hell was I thinking? I hope I am not becoming one of THEM……

I hope it is not catching……..oh my…….

Written a couple of weeks ago.

What do you do when you have two step kids that are graduating from High School in the same week and are planning on moving out ‘real soon now’?

Celebrate !!

I am typing this in a rather well worn hotel room in Roswell NM. (Home to aliens and Texas wannabe’s that are more than willing to give you bad service while trying to pry the dollars from your hands.)

One of the Step Trolls is graduating high school here today. I am somewhat proud of the ungrateful bastard that has given me so much to bitch about for the last four years. A deep well of complaints is drying up. Now I will have to find other things to complain about.

This will be one of the best days of his life. On the down side, now he has to deal with the ‘R’ word.

That word being, of course, ‘R’esponsibility.

(I find it interesting that when I brought up the ‘R’ word at a family dinner last night that the brother thought I was referring to ‘r’ent.)

I have one thing to say to all high school graduates everywhere;

“Welcome to the future! We’re glad you made it.”

I can remember how stupid I was at that age. Why someone did not take me out and shoot me for being insufferable is beyond me. If I knew then what I know now, I would have held my head in a bucket until I soaked up some sense.

Hindsight is always 20/20.

Perhaps in my next life when I come back as a rich, good looking, tall, smart, and well hung guy I will not be as insufferable as I was this time.

Not likely.

Outlet

I had come to believe that there comes a time in every man’s life where he should take a stand.

I did, and the fruit vendor was very unhappy with me and called the police.

The police did not think that my taking a stand was a good idea and proved that it was not a good idea by throwing my ass in jail.

Life is full of learning experiences, I guess.

So. Guess why I have not been posting. I will give you three choices.

1- I was in jail for stupidly stealing a fruit stand.

2- I was kidnapped by the space aliens that are holding Elvis’s Brain hostage.

3-God told me to become addicted to gay internet porn, and my sexual organs are raw from constantly touching myself.

Which one did you pick?

You are wrong.

I have not had my computer and am stubborn about not using my work computer for releasing my own personal venom. Not that it would really matter. I was staying in “The Place that Has No Internet” and certainly do not have time at work to blather about anything. My idea of a break at work is to get to sit down for a few minutes before rushing off to further demonstrate my baby-sitting abilities.

So there you have it. I would apologize, but with an estimated readership of three, I don’t think it is really necessary.

But it is good to have an outlet again….

Sigh

I have a dream.

In this year of Presidential elections and heated debates I think we need a new kind of candidate.

I would sum up his/ her agenda as I would hope he/she would run his/her campaign.

No bullshit.

Could you imagine a campaign with no bullshit? No candidates sniping at each other and making big deals out of nothing while ignoring the real issues that will have to be dealt with.

Debates would actually teach us something about each candidate and news would have a lot less to talk about during the campaign.

Political ads would be forced to be honest and to the point, saving contributors millions and viewers from changing the channel during each commercial break.

Due to the nature of men and the way people behave, I will see this happen when monkeys fly outta my butt while singing popular movie songs.

Sigh.

But I can dream…..

Don't do this. Trust me.

Please welcome me back to the land of the living.

I have been sick since the middle of last month. Not just a lingering cold kind of thing, but a body shaking, trembling, wet cough, accompanying fevers and other terrible symptoms kind of thing.

The worse part is that I really did not know how sick I was. I just toughed it out and did what I thought needed to be done. Went to work, did the laundry, and a lot of other things that I should not have done.

Sometimes I am a stupid bastard.

I was so sick and wallowing in self pity that I forgot to wish the lovely Mrs. Troll a happy birthday, sentencing me to at least one year of guilt trips and other indignities. (I do love to travel)

If you have any kind of significant other in your life, please do not be as stupid as me and forget a birthday. Even Trolls should not get away with such boorish behavior.