Pimp the Ride

I believe that all teenagers are ungrateful bastards.

Before you get your panties in a bunch, I am sure that YOUR kid is the exception and that all is sweetness and light at your home. I am speaking generally, and from my personal viewpoint.

I know that I was an ungrateful bastard when I was a teen, and I am basing my generalizations on MY behavior and on my observations of other teens in my acquaintance over the years.

Now, all disclaimers aside, can I get on with making my point?

Where was I?

Oh yeah.

Teenagers are narcissists by nature. They cannot conceive of their own mortality and think that the world revolves around their wants. Give them a car and they replace all rational thought with the need for gasoline, the imagined freedom from parental units, and all responsibility. (That and making it much easier to lie and not get caught.)

So of course the Mrs. wanted to buy a car for the unmatched set of Steptrolls. We chose a 1982 model that will go from 0 to 60 in just under 7 minutes. It is just this side of the grave and a perfect first car for a teenager. I immediately dubbed it R2B2.

The love affair began, and now we hardly ever see a teen when we are awake. R2B2 is gone all the time, and with it are the lost teenagers. They seem to be involved in some kind of symbiotic flesh/steel relationship that cannot be understood by mere parenting mortals.

But I have decided to rise above my usual Troll-like behavior and do something completely different. I am going to fix up R2B2 like on that TV show “Pimp My Ride”, only I am going to do it to MY specifications.

I am thinking a two-tone paint scheme; hot pink and glow-in-the-dark green would be impressive. The wheels will be black and white in that old spiral put-you-in-a-hypnotic-trance pattern. I think that the seats should be done in cheep black vinyl to take advantage of our hot summer sun.

I think a large black box labeled “GPS location system” would go a long way to keep ‘em a bit more truthful about where they have been. I also think a anti-theft system that activates when the car has been off for more than 10 minutes and detects motion INSIDE the car would be a good thing. ‘Specially when I make it flash lights and alarms on the inside instead of outside.

I think the stereo should default to talk radio whenever the car is turned on, and have to be manually changed. I also think the radio should have an annoying high pitched whine built in that only young ears can perceive.

Dingle balls are always a fashion statement in any car, and long green shag carpeting would demonstrate to all just how hip the boys really are. One of those funny horns that play “La Cucaracha” would be a great addition.

I will tint the back window, but cut out the words “I am we todd did” in script to that it can only be read from behind the car.

I won’t do anything at all to the engine or drive train. I like those parts fine just the way they are. (Old, worn out, and in constant need of repair, just like me.)

The best part of all of this nonsense is that I can tell everyone about my plans and the teens will never know because they do not read this blog.

Boy will they be surprised!

Construction work

When I was a wee lad wandering the Ohio hills I never once thought I would have a job that made me work in the cold and wear a plastic hat.

Politics

I am not one for politics. I am impolitic and choose not to play at a game that I will certainly loose.

This year, however, I have noticed something.

The Democrat platform seems to be simply; “I am against GW Bush.”

It is not FOR anything, it is just AGAINST what is in place.

The election year influx of advertisements is becoming all the same and endlessly repeating.

If I had my way, I would shoot every third candidate the day before the election just to jazz things up.

Roswell

I spent most of this weekend in Roswell N.M.; the home away from home for all those aliens with and without green cards.

It was kinda cool. I met someone that could possibly be even more insane than I am and actually uses her powers for good. I think the whole town is a better place for her being there.

I also met the parents of a stepTroll’s girlfriend that use their special power to make me really miss crazy people. I was forced to curb my foul mouth and not make off color remarks.

I am home and safe now, swearing like a drunken sailor and touching myself in inappropriate places.

I am feeling MUCH better now……

Bono

I have been plagued for the past couple of days with a mental image.

Perhaps sharing it will exhume the demon image from my sensitive brain.

Picture if you will, the rock star and famous philanthropist, Bono, probing his anal region with a Barbie doll, pausing in his play to take notes, them resuming. Near his head is a vat of something labeled “Butt Butter” in big red letters. He is obviously taking great pleasure in this pastime, and soon turns to inserting the blonde end first.

This seems to be the inspiration for his music.

(If you think this is nasty, then please remember that I have to live with this mind and you only endure brief glimpses into my inner workings.)

Blogaversary

I just went back into my own blog and learned that I missed my own blogaversary.

After over a year of this and still less than a thousand hits you might think I would give up.

Nope.

I enjoy making fun of things and having an outlet for all my inner asshole.

If you are one of the very few that read this; thank you for dropping by. Feel free to comment. (or not)

To the millions who don’t drop by; I am not doing this for you anyway. (Assholes)

The blame game

Not too long ago there was a kid in rural New Mexico that confessed to killing his Father, Sister, and Mother, then trying to hide the bodies in a manure pile.

He blamed his parents being perverts for his actions.

Now it seems that his remaining family (I would be a little nervous being related to this kid.) has decided that he could NEVER have come up with the idea of killing his family and wants to sue Sony.

Sony makes Grand Theft Auto.

If they win, I am going to become a peeping tom and sue Bill Gates for naming his operating system “Windows”.

Caution

“Honey! Do you have any super glue?” asked the lovely and talented MrsTroll after she got home tonight.

I knew right away that I was in trouble.

When I went to my facility after dinner I looked carefully and discovered superglue placed in certain areas on the toilet seat.

I do have to admire that kind of devious mind; I just don’t have to fall for it.

But I have learned that it is time to do something very very nice to make amends for the terrible toilet trade.

Not one of my better ideas....

I told you that I would share the results of the great toilet switching of 2006.

It did not go well.

The MrsTroll noticed right away, the very instant her butt hit the seat.

“What’s wrong with my toilet?” she hollered from her private room.

“I dunno,” I hollered back, “What’s wrong with your toilet?”

“You did something! This is not my toilet! Did you switch toilets? Why in hell would you switch toilets? Did you give me that piece of crap from your bathroom? You had better get in here and fix things right away!”

“I am not going in there while you are in there,” I told her forcefully from the safe side of a closed door, “ I am afraid of being overcome with the fumes from your noxious butt bubbles.”

“Not funny, asshole,” she said in a kind and loving manner, “I want my toilet back and I want it back NOW! You had better have this fixed by the time I have to go again, and if it isn’t, you will be SLEEPING in my noxious butt bubbles!”

So my afternoon was spent in switching the toilets back.

Too bad I ‘forgot’ to turn the water back on.

Toilets

I consider the modern toilet to be one of the best inventions of all time. I do. I do. I do.

If you have ever had to use an outhouse in the summer, I am sure you will agree. There is something inherently wrong with the smell of your own waste brewing in the bottom of a pit in the heat. I know this first hand.

But like most technology, we have finally taken things too far:

The water-conserving toilet.

These wonderful devices were invented to make all the conscientious citizens feel better about how humans use water. What a wonderful idea! Use less water! Save resources for humanity to use up later! Be thoughtful! Plan ahead!

It’s too bad they suck.

In the Trollhouse, we have more than one ‘facility’, and one of these is a water-conserving toilet. This bastard is challenged to remove any waste bigger than a pencil eraser. It will take care of fluids in a fine and timely manner, but give it a chunk and it’s stopped flow and plunger time.

Of course it’s in MY bathroom.

So now I have the honor of not only having to WATCH the brownload to make certain that is actually leaving, but I usually have to help it on it’s way! (There are few things worse than coming home after a hard days work to find that the floaters and sinkers failed to leave and have been festering in the bowl into some kind of smelly shitsoup.)

The Wife’s toilet is a real scorcher. That puppy will usually flush twice with one pull of the handle! Sometimes I feel like I should not get to close to that one or I might loose a hand. (Or something else.)

Seriously, I always make sure that I am not on the seat when the handle gets pulled for fear that something additional might join the flow to septic tank heaven. It reminds me of those power toilets that they put in public buildings. You know the ones I mean, the toilets that make that tremendous whooshing and sucking noise that startles the hell out of you when someone else flushes and you feel the air pressure in the room get suddenly lower when it gets to the gurgling part. Now there is a toilet with authority!

My toilet just kinda whimpers and gives a little indifferent glug, and stops working. Then it continues filling to almost overflowing, teasing you with a potential disaster, before it stops just at the top of the bowl.

So I have come up with a plan; while the MrsTroll is away visiting relatives, I am going to switch toilets! No more having to WATCH those things that I am so anxious to send to turd heaven to make sure they begin their trip on time.

I will let you all know how things turn out.

Handshake

For the first time in over 30 years I have joined the union.

I am not happy about it.

I have never been a union kinda guy. I think that modern unions promote mediocrity in the workplace and I try to be better than ordinary. I try pretty damn hard.

But this particular project is union only, so my company is paying my fees and dues. Not a bad deal, really, but it made me sad when I learned that I got a better raise just this last year than the union has managed to negotiate the last seven years put together.

This morning was just another nail in the crate that contains my feelings for the union.

This being an election year, about once a week there are people standing carefully just outside the gate to the jobsite, distributing dimocrat flyers. I usually just hand the flier back, growl, and walk away.

This morning there was an added twist. There was a candidate standing with them, being “with the peeple” and pressing flesh.

I tried to walk around her, but she was having none of it. She maneuvered right in front of me and thrust out her hand while saying, ”Hi. My name is (insert female minority name here) and I am running for Congress. I hope you will vote for me.”

I did not say the first thing that came to mind. I clamped my mouth shut with a force that she had to have heard. I politely shook her hand and left.  

I got about thirty feet before I felt it was appropriate to finally let it out. I said, “I will rot in hell first,” out loud but not loud enough for her to hear.

I got some funny looks from other people that were nearby, but it was worth it not to go all Troll on a stranger in public.

But I was careful to wash my hand with alcohol as soon as I could. You can’t be too careful. I heard Liberalism might be catching.

Global fear

GORE: CIGARETTE SMOKING 'SIGNIFICANT' CONTRIBUTOR TO GLOBAL WARMING...

Anything that the Dimocrats don’t like now seems to magically contribute to global warming.

The way I see it, the war in Iraq is lessening the effects of global warming by eliminating people that make heat.

Let’s cut to the chase; eliminate all people and you eliminate any possible human involvement in climate change.

For those of you that don’t get sarcasm: politicians are using ‘global warming’ to grandstand for their individual beliefs. They are willing to use scare tactics to promote their ends.

Am I the only one that sees something wrong with that?