Go for the Gold

When I first came to New Mexico I was young, bored, stoned out of my gourd, and pretty much stupid.

It was the early 70’s, a time of drug induced happiness and false optimism for young adults. Idealism was a plague upon the culture and everyone wanted to change things that they could do nothing about. Cults were a growing cultural phenomenon and especially popular in remote areas like New Mexico. Communes were full to overflowing and the worship of all drugs great and small was the diet of the dazed.

Weird religions have always fascinated me. So when I saw the flier in the shop window I was sucked in like a fly to feces. It informed anyone that was interested that there would be a meeting for the unenlightened and admission was FREE!

I just HAD to attend.

This meeting was actually a recruitment seminar for the comet people. You know the ones I mean, the people that believe that if you are one of the ‘enlightened’ you will get the privilege to get zapped magically off to the whatever comet happens to be passing by if you are a good and obedient boy or girl and also good at committing suicide on command.

They were totally sincere and believable to a malleable personality. They actually believed what they were preaching and seemed truly concerned for the ‘souls’ of the uninitiated. They had a ‘reason’ for everything and everything had a reason. They were very convincing. They were inspiring. They were on a mission.

I will never forget one of the speakers. She was a rather attractive young blonde, about my age, zaftig, and as insecure as they come. You could see that she was scared out of her wits but dedicated to the cause and determined to do what was required of her. As the other speakers were explaining the future and how to avoid an awful demise among the unenlightened, she was sitting there, rapt, idly picking her nose and not realizing that people were watching her.

I was in lust.

When it came her time to speak she stammered and shook and failed to impress anyone at all with her speaking skills. I was still in lust. She had an impressive bust line and jiggled in all the right places.

I really wanted to meet her, but something stood in my way; my roommate. He was taken in by all this bullshit and really wanted to JOIN the comet people and become an enlightened beam of light living on a comet zooming through space. He had fallen for this bullshit and was having an emotional crisis right then and there and if I did not do something he was going to commit himself to things we both did not fully understand.

Frankly, I could not believe that he fell for this crap. I spent the time that I should have spent chatting up an attractive blonde (And trying to get into her bed) in trying to convince him that he should give a life changing decision like this a little time to settle in.

I eventually got him to change his mind by pointing out that his dog would be left behind when the comet came. Fortunately he was very emotionally attached to his dog and knew he had to act responsibly toward his canine friend.

In doing so I probably saved myself from a really weird relationship with a total wacko and the influence of her friends that were all insane and destined to die tragically, leaving me wracked with guilt for years.

It’s funny how things work out in life. I barely missed an opportunity to grow up even more fucked up and bitter than I am.

The terrors of toilet paper

Hotel toilet paper has to be some of the nastiest stuff in the world.

In my work I use sandpaper that is smoother than this paper. I would estimate hotel paper to be roughly the equivalent of 400 grit sandpaper. I think they give us this paper to prevent hemorrhoids. (Because it sands the offending flesh away.)

I have noticed that every hotel/motel seems to use the same grade or brand of toilet paper. (POM 400) My imagination tells me that it is to get us used to the nasty stuff in case of a toilet paper shortage like the gas crisis in the 70’s, or in case we are suddenly taken over by the commies and industry is run by the government.

“Toilet paper shortage threatens world peace. More at 11.”

We all act like assholes, so I think that we should be nice to the ‘secret sphincter’ and treat it with a certain loving care. This care should include soft toilet paper and the occasional treatment with an appropriate lotion.

I am sure that your asshole will thank you.

And if in fact your asshole starts talking to you, please seek professional help ASAP.

Service companies

In New Mexico we do everything backwards.

If you make sure to pay your cable bill, they turn you off for it. They do the same with the power, gas, and phones, but if you are slightly behind you will get a service upgrade or a week of CinePron for free.

Here you need to be at least 90 days past due before they cut off services, but then it gets expensive. Disconnect fee, reconnect fee, service fee, and an extra fee just because someone named Bill had anal surgery on or about the time you came in to pay are all accepted practice here.

When you do go in to reestablish service, make certain that you get a receipt. It is a common practice here to assure you that whatever service you are paying for will be up and running with in the hour, just to discover after you are gone that some small fee went unnoticed and suddenly everything comes to a screeching halt leaving you out in the cold. The company you are dealing with will NOT call you to let you know what happened. They will wait till you call them and after 20 minutes of the ‘Bureaucrat Dance’, they will inform you that a $2 fee went unnoticed and that you need to return immediately to get service restored as soon as possible. If you have the receipt, then there is a good chance that the fee is detailed on it and you can save yourself a trip back by explaining that it is on said receipt.

After you deal with all the ‘Service Department’, you get to deal with the surly Tech that knocks on your door to angrily ask you if things are OK now and is there anything you need before he goes to perform another thankless task for an unappreciative company.

Whenever dealing with one of these service companies, I have learned the hard way that expressing any anger or animosity will just delay service. NEVER use the “F” word because they will just hang up on you and set some mysterious setting that automatically refuses any call from your number. Then you are forced to call from a cell phone or neighbor’s house.

And more to the point, that’s why I did not post this weekend; the cable company turned us off for paying the bill.

Stupid Question

The other day I was riding the elevator at work and accidentally ended up on the basement level.

The doors opened and a fella was standing there, waiting.

Then he asked, “Is this elevator going up?”

I could not help myself. “Nope,” I responded, “This is the express elevator to Hell and this is the last stop. Come on aboard.”

He just stood there, staring at me, until the doors closed and the elevator went on its merry way.

Pain, the great teacher

Whatever happened to the old days when you were allowed to force intelligence into teenager’s thick heads with a stick, belt, or other creative means?

People are hard wired to avoid pain. All animals are. Why not use this biological benefit to help stubborn teenagers learn the lessons that are hardest?

Instead we are the ‘sweetness and light’ society that refuses to emotionally ‘harm’ our offspring in any way. Instead of backhanding the stupid out of our children, we take away privileges that we are paying for and dream they get the point.

I think that we are ruining our kids. We are not equipping them for the future and the real world. We are handicapping them by making their lives comfortable. They grow up to think that all the comforts that they have are automatic and a ‘right’.

It comes as no surprise to me that our prisons are full to overflowing. We are teaching children that punishment will not be painful.

They grow up and get into the real world unequipped and needy, then wonder why things never work out for them.

I think the saddest part is that so many of them fail to learn from mistakes.

More on Imus...

Since everyone else seems to have an opinion on the comments that he made on the air, I think I should spout some opinions as well. (Also I am getting bored at writing about things that are going on at home and work.)

All this time I though that Imus’s job was to say semi offensive things on the radio and get people all fired up so they would listen to his show and generate ratings to obtain advertising revenue. That’s how radio works. It certainly worked for Howard and Rush, didn’t it?

Is it really what Imus said that is creating all this uproar, or is it self interest groups using this as a soapbox for them to stand on to promote a particular point of view? I vote for the latter. I hear far more offensive things every day on the comedy channel that people laugh at and then share with their friends at the first opportunity.

I think that part of the problem is that we are to self absorbed to laugh. Reverend Al and the basketball team are too wrapped up in things that happened in history to laugh at a colorful comment that was probably just a case of Imus’s mouth getting just a little bit ahead of his brain. Can the Rev say that he has never said something offensive? I doubt it. He and his buddy Reverend Jessie have certainly said many things that I take offence at.

Or could this be a case of a special interest group trying to start a campaign to create divisions between the American people? Could it be that certain political factions NEED things to stay stirred up because the people are tired of listening to the same ol’ shit for the past 30 years and feel that the basic problem is solved for the most part? Could it be that without keeping the pot stirred up these special political factions might just slip into recent memory and put certain leaders out of a job?

Don’t get me wrong here. I am not a fan of Don Imus. I never liked his show and think he is a pompous ass. It’s just that in this case I feel that the offended parties are acting even more pompous and asslike that he ever did. Now a man that at least pretended to do good things for kids and others is out of a job to satisfy the emotional needs a political entity.

I think we should fire the Two Reverends and then take stock of the situation. Those two seem to me to be interested in stirring shit up all the time. They stick their noses in any battle that can get them media attention and never solve anything. They play on the emotions of people and keep tensions high to promote themselves and their causes.

Don’t we have enough people stirring up shit already? Why to we listen to these two ‘cause of the week’ personalities? The next time that you hear either of these personalities ask yourself, “Why are they taking a stand on THIS issue? What is their interest?”

I am betting that you will not like the answers that you get.

The recovery begins...

She is back and much worse for the experience.

Fexophenedine (AKA Allegre AKA Allie ) is back home and miserable.

She is now sporting a stylish pink cast and looking like she is drunk as a judge after a night out with the boys.

She came through the surgery well, it seems, but the recovers is obviously not setting that well with her. She moans like a basset hound and refuses to move. We keep her all medicated with Doggie Dope but she still is howling whenever we are not in the room with her.

She is far more upset at the surgery than the initial trauma. The Mrs. spent the night with her to keep her feeling safe and shit. I spent the night sleeping. ( I AM an asshole.)

Today I am looking forward to watching Allie hobble in the snow to do her doggie things. This should be amusing.

Slimeball rat bastards that I call neighbors

I am pissed.

It seems that one of my neighbors ran over my dog’s leg and did not say anything to anyone.

How much effort could it have taken for some rat bastard to drop by and apologize for accidentally hitting my dog? What kind of callous shit will do something like that and not feel remorse? Why in hell can’t I understand what motivates people to be complete and utter slime balls that would be put to better use as fertilizer?

I just hope in my heart of hearts that whoever did this thing shall suffer a fate just as painful and unkind as she has.

Tomorrow she goes in for surgery to have a pin put in her bones so they will heal.

It would be far cheaper to put her down, but we do not work that way.

So please wish Fexophenedine a safe and happy surgery.

Fickle Bitch

I have been working in a parking garage and loving it.

My latest project is assembling and collating laboratory furniture before transporting it to some storage facility for the client to move again later when they are ready. (Please do not ask me for the rationale of this. I just do what I am told. If I ask too many questions I just get confused and then start making sense of things.)

In the meantime I am working next to the large remotely activated doors that make me feel like an angry primate in a cage at the zoo. So far I have refrained from throwing feces at anyone.

SO, after a lovely and productive afternoon, I came home to the return of the lovely Mrs. Troll and we share stories and sourdough bread before taking a nap in order to get rested up for a good nights sleep.

Now, I wake up to the last thing that I expected: SNOW!

There is SNOW on the ground and it is COLD again!

What in the hell is going on here? It is the time of year when the green things are making New Mexico look like it might actually be habitable and then the cold makes reappearance just in time to kill everything all over again.

Mother Nature is a fickle bitch at best.

I'm back

I have been neglecting things here of late and for that I apologize.

I have been working a lot of overtime and that much work always makes me tired. (How dare those bastards actually expect me to DO something and get paid for it! The nerve!)

I am also getting close to the end of this project and beginning another, which leads me to all kinds of weird shit happening and the need to be in two places at once when I am not anywhere at all.

The kids are fine, the wife is leaving me for a week to attend class in a far off city that is famous for its gays, and I am going to spend this weekend catching up on my sleep.

Let me say at this point that I am going to miss my Mrs. Troll. (Failure to say this is a violation of what ‘Every Husband Must Know’ and punishable by your wife remembering for years.) Really, I am going to miss her.

I hope she is having fun.