Bumper sticker fun

I recently saw a bumper sticker depicting two children hugging each other with the caption;

"All the arms we need."

I would suggest to these people that they should hug a suicide bomber and make themselves and the bombers happy.

There will always be weapons, there will always be conflict, there will always be someone that thinks being a bully is fun. People who do not understand this are trying to put the demons back into Pandora's box.

Live in the world we have. It really is not a bad place.

Driving me nuts.

I live in what I like to call semi rural New Mexico. I call it semi rural because I live in the country but have easy access to the largest city. Albuquerque is less than a thirty minute drive from my door via I-40.
I spend a lot of time on I-40, commuting to and from work five days a week, and shopping and entertainment on weekends. I see a lot of strange things on the highway. I have seen people pull over to drink a beer before getting back on the road, thinking perhaps beer consumed outside the car does not count.
The most common thing that I see is what I call suicidal furniture. Not a day goes by that I do not see a new chair, sofa, futon, refrigerator, or other household item lying smashed beside the road. Cushions litter the highway on some days.
How do these items get there? Are they thrown there by insensitive people that do not care? Are they too damn lazy to take their worn out and decayed furniture to the dump? I don't think so. I think that when people are moving to a new home, apartment, or ramshackle cabin in the woods, the furniture leaps from the vehicle in a blatant act of self defense.
I have seen people put things in the back of their pickup truck with the comment, "Where is it gonna go?". It is going to leap from the back of the truck to its death if you are not careful! I have come to believe that all furniture wishes for it's freedom and if proper care is not taken, it will in fact make a bid for escape.
Look at things from the furniture's point of view. Would you want your fat ass flopping down on your face time and time again? Would you want someone opening your front up just to stare at your insides and mention that there is nothing to eat? I know that with a life like that I would ponder escape.
Unfortunately the thought of a refrigerator leaping to it's doom from the back of a speeding pickup truck frightens me. Those things are heavy.

Memories

For some unknown reason, I was remembering a man that I used to work with. His most memorable feature was that he would engage in mental dialogs with his left hand. You could always tell when he was in rapport because his hand would wriggle and wave like a demonstrative sock puppet on speed. He knew that he was insane and was not bothered by it one little bit.

I think you have to admire that kind of dedication.

You know you are not getting any smarter when...

While at the courthouse seeing a judge about that parking ticket that you refused to pay two years ago, you get yet another parking ticket for parking in the same place.

Teenage dementia

Have you ever noticed that a teenage boy can sniff pussy at four hundred feet, against the wind, but can't smell the dead food that he left in his bedroom from last Christmas?

He expects to be fed, yet can't bring himself to wash the dishes in the dishwasher.

He expects you to give him a ride thirty miles one way, just to wait over an hour while he schmoozes some ungrateful female of the species, then turn around and drive him back home.

Feed him, give him cloths, pay for those expensive shoes that he just Has to have, just to have him tell you that you are a bad parent because you failed to make it to the one football game that he actually got to make one play in.

When raising children, don't expect gratitude. Expect just what you get. Then when they grow up and have kids of their own, guilt trip then like hell and rub their faces in it. Make 'em grovel when they need a baby sitter, make 'em beg for money, and make 'em earn the things they get.

You can't win, but its fun to watch 'em squirm.

I am crazy so you don't have to be.

I can hear you out there, wondering why in hell I would pick a name like “Trolls Hole”. I can hear your muttered comments and snide remarks to your friends. I can hear every single one of you, with your internal dialog and alternate personalities that comfort you when you feel inadequate.

I call myself Troll because I am not a nice person. I think nice is for people that are afraid to think and would rather pickle their brains in alcohol, TV, and organized religion than actually have a thought that did not come out of some one else’s mouth or (worse yet) Readers Digest.

Perhaps we should face the facts, thinking is hard work. Deal with it.

I am a Misfit Troll because I do not fit in with polite society OR the wonderful world of miscreants. I belong somewhere in the middle space, laughing at almost everyone in order to keep from becoming even more insane than I already am.

Sarcasm comes naturally to me, and I often have to distract myself to keep from pissing off almost everyone. My internal dialog usually goes something like this;

“Don’t say it. Just bite your tongue. Look away and think about the ugly wallpaper. Oh Christ that wallpaper is ugly! I wonder what kind of addled mind came up with that shit. It looks like a cat threw up then took a nap in it. Is he done yet? (glancing at the person I am trying to avoid pissing off) No? He is sure stuck on stupid. If he says ‘um’ one more time I may have to throttle him with his own intestines. Did he just ask what caused the accident? Gravity you fool! He fell because gravity exerted its influence on him when he stepped off the floor! These are the people that are in charge here? They can’t even read words over five letters and have instructions on how to wipe their arses printed on the toilet paper.”

Having distracted myself for about fifteen seconds, I can usually maintain composure until later, when it usually comes pouring out like water from a bucket.

Now that I have explained myself, and my chosen blog name, be afraid, be very afraid. I just might show you something about yourself or those that surround you. The human condition is a frail one at best.

If I succeed, I have done a good thing.  If I don’t, I have expressed myself and  
practiced my typing skills.

What the hell, it’s a good place to rant.

If you lived here, you would be home by now

My work took me to Santa Fe today.

I think someone made a mistake in Santa Fe. They call it 'The City Different', I think I should be called "The City of the Mistaken Direction'. That place is even weirder than *I* am!

The ever present SUV pulling in front of me to make a right hand turn from the left hand lane is considered NORMAL there. When one woman declared with glee, "I got me a can of spray paint", I knew it was time to get outta town. (You have to understand that we were in the parking lot of the HOSPITAL)

I couldn't. I got lost. I think all the roads in Santa Fe are made with a built in twist of time that takes you back to where you started, only later. After many failed attempts I signaled a left turn from the right lane, turned RIGHT, and got on the road that eventually took me out tward home.

Sometimes when I am there I get the feeling that Lewis Carrol is watching me and taking notes for his next story for Alice.

I hope that I am a Troll in Wonderland too. I always thought Alice needed to meet a Troll.

It's all in the vowels

Hello. My name is Troll and I am a cell phone user.

I have used cell phones for years. My immediate family presently has four lines of service.

I still get PISSED when I am trying to talk to someone and all I get in response are vowel sounds. It is like talking to a stuttering retarded drowning person.

"A Er u u u ow hoirs blip i u o and now I have to u u ssssssssssss
i e o e i u e a nd a gu u o or g e ."

How in hell can you respond to something like that? I never learned to speak gibberish in school. (Perhaps I should have. It seems to be used by a lot of Americans, especially in Dentist offices.)

I wish I could speak only in consonants. That way I would at least feel like I am making an intelligent response to a vowel statement.

Since I am unable to do these things I do what everybody does. I make static sounding noises, yell something like "I can't hear you , you are breaking up" and hang up.

A day to rest.

It has been a difficult week. Fifty-six hours of work, twelve hours of commuting, and necessary life things have taken their toll on the Troll.

I am taking a day to rest and touch, I mean get in touch, with Mrs. Troll.

And now back to the internet, which is already in progress.

Imaginary disease of the week.

Long hours and changing jobsites have left me a bit down for the past two days.

Tonight Mrs. Troll diagnosed my problem. She told me that I have a case of the Chinese Flu.

I am Dragon Ass.....

Please no throwing bricks at me. It's a small hole and someone might get hurt.

Troll Weather

It has been raining on and off for days. This is rather unusual weather for us in New Mexico.

An early snow has even threatened parts of the state.

It is perfect weather for a Troll, so I am going to find a nice bridge to sit under this evening and listen to the soothing sounds of water. There is nothing in the world like letting the sound of moving water roll over you and wash away the stress of living in the modern world.

It's the little things that make life worthwhile.

I might even smile.

The sound of one hand typing

This has been a very busy week in the Wild World of Trolls

Nearing the end of this project has changed our work schedule to ten hour days, five days a week, and the option of working Saturday. This kinda puts the cramps on blogging. I have found that working long hours gives me a creative constipation. The thoughts are still there, but don’t seem to want to come out. They just thrash around in my head and confuse the voices that tell me to kill Gnomes.

Tuesday saw me wasting my lunch time to help a fellow employee find his lost lunch. He then proceeded to yell at me that I was playing a practical joke on him. I did what any good Troll would do and yelled back that I resented spending my time trying to help him just to get blamed for something I did not do and that I am sure that I could play a better prank than that. He quit his job before I could hide his tools in another part of the building (the roof) after having filled his lunchbox with fresh cat shit.

I have bad case of Troll Elbow and have been learning to type with one hand. This could be helpful sometime in the future if I decide to learn to multitask.

I forgot, Men can’t multitask.

Unless porn is multitasking.

Lack of wisdom

Overheard at work today; "When I saw her for the first time, I almost shit myself".

Ain't that romantic? I bet he is a real winner with the girls.

Work wisdom.

Overheard at work when walking out of the West side of the building and seeing about 60 balloons in the air, "I think there is more hot air in the building from bosses than in those balloons."

Unfortunately they were probably correct.

I could be rich!

One of my comments said that I sounded like a walking advertisement.

This one hit kinda close to home. I always wanted to be the next Ron Popeil, hawking silly gadgets on TV and telling the world how cool I really am.

I have to admire anyone that can sell insecure men spray paint for the head.

On that note let me introduce some ideas that I have had over the years that never seemed to pan out.

The cordless hammer.
The cordless screwdriver.
Poverty vacations on the Rio Grande.
     Selling rich people a campsite on the river with a tent.
The Dumbshit Gun
     A gun that shoots bumperstickers that say, “I am a dumbshit.”
Cheese flavored toothpaste in a can.

And last but not least;
     New Mexiclams!  Clams grown in New Mexico
     Green chile clams
     Salsa clams
     Chipotle clams

I even came up with a cool slogan for the New Mexiclams

        “Everybody loves clams!”

I think I could be rich if I could save enough money for clam seeds.

Is it THAT time of year again?

I was gently reminded that today is the first day of the Annual Balloon Fiesta. This is a day each year that strikes fear into locals that have to go to Albuquerque.

The event is wonderful. It is beautiful beyond description and exciting as well. It also has the somewhat magic ability to turn a normally sober intelligent adult into a careless child, walking in front of busses and doing other things that are not particularly safe or wise.

Something about this event makes people drive like their tailpipes are on fire and they are trying to get away. Speeding, weaving, and cutting off other cars all increase dramatically this week. Everyone suddenly becomes in a terrible hurry to get to where they are going so they can have a drink.

There are signs everywhere warning people of unsafe behavior, but that never seems to stop them. I have seen people go suddenly from seventy miles an hour to nothing to watch the balloons. I have seen people driving seventy miles an hour peering and pointing, paying little attention to the road. I have seen the peering people meet the stopping people in a very uncomfortable fashion.

I have seen people park in intersections to get out and watch the balloons, wandering away and leaving their cars unattended. I have seen people tie their pets to the sign that tells them that they can not take their pets into the park and leave them unattended.

Over the years I have seen all manner of simply stupid behavior at this event. Please people, let's bring our brains with us to have a good time. Your brain might like it as well.

The weekend crowds can be HUGE. Be prepared. Arrange a meeting place for when you get separated from your friends/family. It will happen.

Please think before you do. The Balloon Fiesta can be a great time, but only if you think about your actions. Read the signs, follow them, they are usually good advice. Try to be courteous. If others are not, please ignore them. Killing offenders then and there is not a good idea.

Enjoy the sights and sounds. Eat the good food and listen to the incessant babble from others in the crowd. And take comfort in the fact that I will not be anywhere near that place. I would probably hurt someone.